Clean Humor 2
"This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
-- An internal Western Union memo, 1876
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-- IBM chairman Thomas Watson, 1943
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, founder, chairman & president of DEC, 1977
"640k ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981 (Did he mean $640K?)
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"Everything that can be invented has already been invented."
-- Charles H. Duell, director of the U.S. Patent Office, 1899
"A rocket will never be able to leave the earth's atmosphere."
--The New York Times, 1936
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Television won't last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night."
--Producer Darryl Zanuck, 20th Century Fox, 1946
"Well-informed people know it is impossible to transmit the voice over wires and that were it possible to do so, the thing would be of no practical value."
--Boston Post, 1865
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible."        --A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out."
- MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible."
- Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel."
- MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little."
- A filmcompany's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test
"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives."
- U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine."
- Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936
A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

These are things are suppossed to have been really said!
The following questions and answers were collated from
last year's SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas to 16
year old students!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is
no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g.
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains
the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and

Q: What is the Fibula
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is its characteristic
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much
jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all
are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Does anyone ever vanish with a trace?

If Fed Ex and UPS merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're still ahead?"

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Don't they all stop eventually?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane with the same substance?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

Here is a little girl's essay on "People":
"People are composed of girls and boys, also men and women. Boys are no good until they grow up and get married. Men who don't get married are no good either. Girls are young women who will be ladies when they graduate. Boys are an awful bother. They want everything they see except soap. If I had my way, half of the boys in the world would be girls, and the other half dolls. My ma is a woman and my pa is a man. A woman is a grown-up girl with children. My pa is such a nice man I guess he must have been a little girl when he was a little boy."

Computers - Male or Female:

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.  Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"  The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give reasons for their recommendation.

"Women's Decision"
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

"Men's Decision"
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The Comfort Station

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city when I decided to stop at a comfort station.  The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one.  I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall,"Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed,
"Not bad."
And the stranger said, "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions!  I was really beginning to think this was too weird!  So I said,"Well, just like you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided  to take a  sightseeing vacation to Europe. While  visiting England, he was invited to  tea with the  Queen.  He asked her what her leadership philosophy was. She said that it was to surround herself with intelligent  people.  He asked how she knew if they're intelligent  "I do so by asking them the right questions," said the  Queen.  "Allow me to demonstrate."  She phoned Tony Blair and said, "Mr. Prime Minister,  please answer this question: 'Your mother has a child,  and your father has a child,  and this child is not your  brother or sister'. Who is  it?'"  Tony Blair responded, "It's me, ma'am."  "Correct. Thank you and good-bye,  sir," said the Queen.

She hung up and said, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?" "Yes, ma'am. Thanks alot. I'll definitely be using that!"  Upon returning  home, Al decides he'd better put some  of his old  friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi,  Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."   "Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is  not your brother or your  sister. Who is it?"   Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think   about it and get back to you?" Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an  answer.  Finally, in desperation, Clinton  calls Colin Powell at the State Department  and  explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a  child, and your  father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who  is it?"   Powell answers  immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot." Much  relieved,  Clinton rushes back to call Gore and  exclaims, "I know the answer! I know  who it is! It's Colin Powell!"   And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony  Blair."

The Ultimate Rejection Letter
Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA  34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Chris L. Jensen

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."  Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Funny Stuff 1